For those who need a good laugh today, here is a multi-step process which should be performed in the correct sequence. A simplified version of How to Give a Dog a Pill while playing online poker is given at the end. Thanks to Larry Stone for providing the basic outline for these instructions: Step 1. First of all, make sure you are not in a hand while initiating this process. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Step 2. Click ‘Fold’ for next hand before retrieving pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Be sure to push mouse out of cat’s reach.
Step 3. At this point it may be best to go on ‘Post & Fold’, unless it is your big blind. In that case, just press ‘Call Any’ and retrieve cat from bedroom. Throw soggy pill away.
Step 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. If first to act, press ‘Bet Pot’ (sorry Hazy) and force cat’s jaws open. Push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut until it is your action. At this point you should be able to play hand normally, assuming that you would normally fold here after your opponent either called or raised your pot bet. If you have a good hand, screw the cat and call your spouse to give him the damn pill.
Step 5. Otherwise, retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call friend for help if spouse or significant other is unavailable. It might be best to go on ‘Post & Fold’ now until the bleeding in your forearm stops. You will obviously need both hands free to proceed.
Step 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse or friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Step 7. At this point you are obviously on TiLT. Resume tournament and press ‘Bet All-in’. Better to take your anger out on your opponents than the friggin house pet. Retrieve cat from curtain rail and get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler & computer printer and to repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Step 8. After moving all-in again (if you still have chips), wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Step 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Place computer monitor right side up on the table and log out of the playing site.
Step 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Step 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw torn and bloody tee-shirt away and get new one from bedroom.
Step 12. Call fire department to retrieve the little monster from the sixty-foot tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
Step 13. Tie the ignorant feline’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Step 14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get friend to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and arm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Step 15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. Log back on to the site and sign up for the next tourney.
How To Give A Dog A Pill while playing online poker
Step 1. Raise three times the big blind first to act. Wrap the pill in bacon.
Step 2. Toss it in the air. Resume play.
